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| Ari Seth Cohen |
Guest post from The Count! The second in a series...
My Grandmother advises with all the seriousness of a diplomat speaking at a UN Summit, "If you ever get yourself into a situation where you feel uncomfortable just…faint.” That is just one of the pearls of wisdom bestowed upon all of us by her, and if she has taught us anything it is walk into the room and take up every inch of space you can. Short of setting herself on fire, she has used every trick imaginable to make sure the world orbits her.
Drama comes as naturally to her as drawing breath, though she would insist she is not, “some crazy old bat that has nothing better to do than garner attention.” She doesn’t drink… except for the afternoon whiskey, because she, “feels a cold coming on.” Or the bottle of Veuve Clicquot she tries to have the nurse hide in a blue bucket filled with ice behind her chair every evening. (When I say blue bucket, imagine a bucket you would use to wash a car…with a bottle of champagne stuffed into it.) The funny thing is, everyone pretends it is not there, therefore enabling her to keep up the, “I don’t drink” façade. I guess at Grandma’s one could call it the Blue Elephant in the Room. The world is quite literally her stage, and with that comes a lot of unintentional hilarity—including the age old pastime of referring to herself only in the third person.
During the day, she is pretty well behaved, and dresses like an appropriate Grandmother…think Miss Ellie from Dallas...
Come cocktail hour, things always take a turn. One thing is predictable…she will emerge for a gimlet draped in more silk than reasonable, covered in jewelry from her travels or her gentleman callers (“It is just so sad to buy jewelry for yourself. But sometimes it becomes a necessity, during those times have it wrapped and sent home. Open it in front of someone—I don’t care if it is the maid—and pretend you have a secret admirer. Never let on that you paid yourself.” More wisdom for the ages, courtesy of Grandma).
However, the best part is she will be wearing a TURBAN. Sometimes with a jewel encrusted broach pinned into it, sometimes not.
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| Ari Seth Cohen |
It doesn’t matter if she is expecting fifty people for a party, or she is just sitting around watching television…she will always be prepared for viewing, turban and all by 5:00 sharp, if not before.
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| Ari Seth Cohen |
When we were younger we really got a kick out of the whole presentation...the drama of it all was just so funny. As I have gotten older, I realize she truly is not doing any of this to be dramatic. She is doing this because it is who she is…a crazy fun Grandma who secretly drinks, occasionally swears and embraces the unintentional glamour and hilarity of her well lived life.
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